Tag Archives: #Pained

We’re over 

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​”According to Greek mythology, humans were originally created with four arms, four legs and a head with two faces. Fearing their power, Zeus split them into two separate parts, condemning them to spend their lives in search of their other halves.”
So… when I met you I thought I’ve found my half and that the search was over,

But then again I lied.
You made me step on my pride, lock away my fears, drown my insecurities and swallow my doubts. 

You made me feel.
You made me embrace love, welcome happiness and you made me believe that all the world’s “two-minutes” adrenalines were meant to last me a lifetime.

That they were mine to own.
With a smile that’s perfect next to mine, eyes matching mine and hands that fit perfectly in mine,  you made me fall deeper in love with you.

You made me imagine fantasy and Foreverlands.

You made me dream beyond the skies.
…but now all that is gone. Our Asthmatic Relationship has reached its “End-By-Date” and I’m afraid this my Final Note.

A final letter of demand, from my heart to yours.

Demanding the release of my love for you, the love I thought you could devote yourself to nurturing for as long as we both shall live.

But you failed.
You failed to keep us alive.
You brought our love to its knees with your secrets and surprises, even when you knew our relationship was ASTHMATIC your selfishness made you choose to shock it to death with all the skeletons in your closet. 
I loved you with everything I’m made of, I think I still do but now there are too many skeletons in you closet.

I can’t carry us any more.
We’re over.

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Find your hidden heart!

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Don’t you dare tell me that you love me now, because I kind of feel like it doesn’t really matter now.

See…when I longed for your love it was nowhere to be found.

You chose to play a game of “hide and seek”. You hid your heart and made my poor soul seek it.

I’m tired of seeking your “faded out” love and I swear once I turn my back on the idea of ever finding it, the only way forward is teaching myself how to forget about ever being in love with you and learning how to fall in love with a deserving heart.

I’m sick and tired of the long scruffy journey I’ve walked in search of your hidden heart.

I’ve nursed myself way too much and I’m about to become iskhorokhoro.
With all the bruises I got from thorns of your cold heart,
Scars I got from dried out branches of your heartlessness,
Scratches I got from your “bob-draaded” selfishness,
…and wounds I got from stepping on pieces of your shattered-broken mirrored hate.

I’m done, ngiyas’thula les’gqoko. I will not allow you to do as you please with my feelings.

Game’s up, you better find your heart because my soul’s seeking days are over.

Another “final” note!

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I’ve always wanted to be the best daughter ever. Trying so hard to correct the mistakes of those who came before me.

…but now I’ve failed. I decided to put my happiness first and in the process I’m about to bring sadness to people who once decided to take a leap of Faith and put their trust in me.

In their eyes I’m a daughter, an angel but to the truth and myself. I’m a monster and I believe I was created for nothing else but to self destruct.

I’ve reached my peak and I’m about to self destruct.
I’m about to chop myself into a million pieces just to remind myself what real pain feels like.

I’m about to shut down the entire system of my existence and call it “Operation Deuses”.

I’m done.

Pay attention, she’s dying.

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They only wanted to save me but I never needed to be saved.
The only “saving” I wanted was freedom to drown with my demons until the end and kiss them goodbye.

…but they could’ve never understood. They wouldn’t understand that I had made peace with my sins and was now ready to let them eat me up.

Allow fear to dine on my soul while hurt and regret feast on my hunger to carry on.

It’s funny how the world always expects you to be swinging while you’re actually hanging.
How society expects you to be swimming when you’re actually drowning.

How they always say it was just a sudden cough, instead of a struggled choke.

Hey listen! I’m not laughing, I’m crying and soon I will be dying and not playing.

The silence was loud…

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…and I repeat, the silence was loud!!!

Anger was raging within me and pain was just weighing my heart down making it feel so empty, yet there I was in his arms.

In the arms of a man who once pledged to always be at my rescue and protect me from all the scars of the world, yet he’s the one who’s wounding me.

The wound is so deep it might never taste the sweetness of healing again.

My eyes were so wet and I was trying so hard to fight back the tears on some: “BlaQed come on, pull yourself together. You know you’re stronger than that, remember that BIG DON’T GIRLS CRY.”

“Big girls don’t cry” really?! Are we that naive?
Big girls are also human, they have feelings man.
They hurt.

…but then at that moment I felt the need to swallow a rock and waterproof my eyes. I couldn’t allow him to see that he has touched my heart, I couldn’t give him the satisfaction of getting close to breaking BlaQed.

I mean BlaQed is unbreakable, she hardly hurts, she’s strong, she’s an activist who stands for the protection of hearts-women hearts-.

So…with all that in my heart and an influx of painful events in my mind I was playing a game of picking Pokemon, choosing whether to be only human and cry or just become a mutant superhero and choose wayfer form and not cry.

The room was filled with blindness, distrust, hurt, lies, pain, unfaithfulness and untruthfulness.

I was quiet because I knew what he didn’t know I knew,  he was quiet because he was trying to understand the root of my silence.

In my mind I wanted to rewrite “Lamb to the slaughter” and just slaughter his selfish ass but in my heart I just wanted to forget it all and learn to love him again without fear nor regrets.

We were having private conversations with ourselves and the silence in that room was just too damn loud.

Conversations with myself.

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Having conversations with myself because only I can understand the pain I’m feeling inside.

Having conversations with myself because only I can relate to what’s going on in the inside.

I feel no need to go and seek one who’ll sit down and try to understand my situation because mine is for those who’ll choose to stand by my side and overstand it from the outside.
I’m not crazy I’m just different.