Tag Archives: #Pain

We’re over 

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​”According to Greek mythology, humans were originally created with four arms, four legs and a head with two faces. Fearing their power, Zeus split them into two separate parts, condemning them to spend their lives in search of their other halves.”
So… when I met you I thought I’ve found my half and that the search was over,

But then again I lied.
You made me step on my pride, lock away my fears, drown my insecurities and swallow my doubts. 

You made me feel.
You made me embrace love, welcome happiness and you made me believe that all the world’s “two-minutes” adrenalines were meant to last me a lifetime.

That they were mine to own.
With a smile that’s perfect next to mine, eyes matching mine and hands that fit perfectly in mine,  you made me fall deeper in love with you.

You made me imagine fantasy and Foreverlands.

You made me dream beyond the skies.
…but now all that is gone. Our Asthmatic Relationship has reached its “End-By-Date” and I’m afraid this my Final Note.

A final letter of demand, from my heart to yours.

Demanding the release of my love for you, the love I thought you could devote yourself to nurturing for as long as we both shall live.

But you failed.
You failed to keep us alive.
You brought our love to its knees with your secrets and surprises, even when you knew our relationship was ASTHMATIC your selfishness made you choose to shock it to death with all the skeletons in your closet. 
I loved you with everything I’m made of, I think I still do but now there are too many skeletons in you closet.

I can’t carry us any more.
We’re over.

She blessed a BLESSER with her innocence…

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​At age 25 she lost the most private part of herself. A part of her she held on to for the past 25 years.

When an elderly asshole covered in a fashionable zest of sugar-daddy tendencies made breathing in her direction his new pet-project, she allowed her guard to drop!
When he promised her a world he only read about in The Business Times, she was sold.

What I don’t understand is how this no good bastard of a father, got her to give herself up for his rusty bronze-plated “truth”.
I don’t understand how a girl as smart as she is would feel the need to be blessed with lies, impossible forevers and unobtainable worlds.
Earning this man the ever-so-preached BLESSER status.

She was always too good for these boys. They couldn’t even lay a finger on her, but tonight a beast has been clawing her thighs.
Spreading them apart as if it would be a crime for them to ever touch each other.

He wanted to show her “HEAVEN”, a place he swears was built for her.
With white linen and sheets that resembles the clouds, towels and pillows for angels.
…and long heavily carpeted discreet passages that resembles passageways that lead you to apparent paradises of fantasised forevers.
It was a hotel, a “Five Star Hotel” one of the best to him, but one of the rest to me. They’re all the same to me, dungeons of sin and secrets big enough to break families apart.

She was never ready for the decisions she made when money and her heart’s weakness had blinded her importance and urgency to protect herself from the vultures of our world.
In the midst of his promises, she lost herself.

To his cruelty and greed, she lost her ever-so-praised self respect. The night she allowed him to stick his filthy oversized-ego inside of her innocence, she lost herself.
She lost her VIRGINITY, and her dignity was burnt beyond recognition.

Another “final” note!

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I’ve always wanted to be the best daughter ever. Trying so hard to correct the mistakes of those who came before me.

…but now I’ve failed. I decided to put my happiness first and in the process I’m about to bring sadness to people who once decided to take a leap of Faith and put their trust in me.

In their eyes I’m a daughter, an angel but to the truth and myself. I’m a monster and I believe I was created for nothing else but to self destruct.

I’ve reached my peak and I’m about to self destruct.
I’m about to chop myself into a million pieces just to remind myself what real pain feels like.

I’m about to shut down the entire system of my existence and call it “Operation Deuses”.

I’m done.

Pay attention, she’s dying.

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They only wanted to save me but I never needed to be saved.
The only “saving” I wanted was freedom to drown with my demons until the end and kiss them goodbye.

…but they could’ve never understood. They wouldn’t understand that I had made peace with my sins and was now ready to let them eat me up.

Allow fear to dine on my soul while hurt and regret feast on my hunger to carry on.

It’s funny how the world always expects you to be swinging while you’re actually hanging.
How society expects you to be swimming when you’re actually drowning.

How they always say it was just a sudden cough, instead of a struggled choke.

Hey listen! I’m not laughing, I’m crying and soon I will be dying and not playing.

The silence was loud…

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…and I repeat, the silence was loud!!!

Anger was raging within me and pain was just weighing my heart down making it feel so empty, yet there I was in his arms.

In the arms of a man who once pledged to always be at my rescue and protect me from all the scars of the world, yet he’s the one who’s wounding me.

The wound is so deep it might never taste the sweetness of healing again.

My eyes were so wet and I was trying so hard to fight back the tears on some: “BlaQed come on, pull yourself together. You know you’re stronger than that, remember that BIG DON’T GIRLS CRY.”

“Big girls don’t cry” really?! Are we that naive?
Big girls are also human, they have feelings man.
They hurt.

…but then at that moment I felt the need to swallow a rock and waterproof my eyes. I couldn’t allow him to see that he has touched my heart, I couldn’t give him the satisfaction of getting close to breaking BlaQed.

I mean BlaQed is unbreakable, she hardly hurts, she’s strong, she’s an activist who stands for the protection of hearts-women hearts-.

So…with all that in my heart and an influx of painful events in my mind I was playing a game of picking Pokemon, choosing whether to be only human and cry or just become a mutant superhero and choose wayfer form and not cry.

The room was filled with blindness, distrust, hurt, lies, pain, unfaithfulness and untruthfulness.

I was quiet because I knew what he didn’t know I knew,  he was quiet because he was trying to understand the root of my silence.

In my mind I wanted to rewrite “Lamb to the slaughter” and just slaughter his selfish ass but in my heart I just wanted to forget it all and learn to love him again without fear nor regrets.

We were having private conversations with ourselves and the silence in that room was just too damn loud.

Conversations with myself.

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Having conversations with myself because only I can understand the pain I’m feeling inside.

Having conversations with myself because only I can relate to what’s going on in the inside.

I feel no need to go and seek one who’ll sit down and try to understand my situation because mine is for those who’ll choose to stand by my side and overstand it from the outside.
I’m not crazy I’m just different.

Lost love…

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Can I write to Khumbul’ekhaya? …and have them remind you to khumbula ekhaya.
Because they say: “Home is where the heart is. ”
…and you once said I should always know that wherever you are your heart will always be with me.

Can I write to Relate?
…and have them help us and educate us on how to relate, because to me this relationship has no relation.
It’s just mutual distance with no direction.

Allow my to write to Love Back.
I need them to help me trace your emotions.
My love,  it seems like you’re gone and you can’t seem to find your way back.
I need to get my love back.

Can’t we take it all back to what it once was?
Can’t we start afresh and promise each other the world and all it’s made of?
Can’t you just go back to being the heart-entrepreneur you once was and sell me all the dreams in the world?

I wish I could just write to All You Need Is Love, ngoba wena sthandwa sami wang’lahla and I just know that all you need is my love.

Come home and find your love, my love.

Like a stubborn old oak tree I refuse to fall.

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With my broken heart in place I stepped up to him and said: “Man, forget about loving me. Just snap out of that thought. See…I can never allow you that chance, because like the rest, you might just fail to love me correctly.”

…but now with my warm inviting smile he thought I was joking.

So…He got closer, in attempts to save me from my “pain – embellished” thoughts.

…and I screamed: “Nigga please! Step away from me, come on yo. Make like the tree and leave, can’t you see that I don’t wanna be saved?”

See…now at this point his undersized ego was a big enough blindfold to blind his eyes from the truth. I mean this guy here was too blind to see that this girl doesn’t wanna be saved.
He was too blind to see that he is not needed in my life and that his presence in my life is not really essential.

See…Every step he took getting closer to me was a pledge to his “master-race” to enter my life and play Superman but now this stupid guy didn’t understand that I don’t want uSuperman I just want my simple man.

Like the rest he thought I was being stubborn, but I actually wasn’t. I was just being true to myself and standing my ground.

Not giving in to their ideas about me and who I am. Not allowing them the chance to determine my happiness and clearly not falling into this love trap that has them tripping girls hard.

…because now, like a stubborn old oak tree I refuse to fall.

Finally free!

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I wish my silence was loud enough to buy me your attention.
I wish my tears were enough to drown your ignorance.

…but now those are just wishes and reality says you can never care enough to notice the scars left by your absence in my life.

I wish I knew why you promised to stay by my side forever when you knew very well that your “forever” was just a few weeks long.

I could never understand how you steal someone’s heart with no other intention but to just break it apart.

…but then again my lesson I’ve learnt and you know what they say about lessons learnt the hard way – they’re never forgotten -.

See…my lesson I’ve learnt and it’s all thanks to you. You have not destroyed me but you’ve emancipated me from the silly traditions of longing for love.

I am free and I shall never allo. w LOVE to set a price tag on my happiness.

A dose of you on a Sunday afternoon.

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A dose of a Sunday afternoon with you to last me the whole week because with you that’s all I’ll ever get.

You know I keep asking myself if this is really what love is and if it is… I actually pray to God I never fall in love again.

To me you’re either married or there’s simply a long list of us, with only one you to show up and please…which is not quite easy on your side or I’m simply the least important of them all.
Now choose your struggle and let me be at ease with my position in your life.

You could’ve been honest enough with me and told me it’s nothing but lust and having me deciding if I am to fall victim to your cold acts of adultery.

…but then no. You had to be selfish. Hook me on your riches, sell me dreams, build me a castle, name me its Queen and having me drowning in confusion.

Now I really don’t know what’s real. I don’t even know what you are to me but all I know is that, I don’t know what love is but what I feel for you must be love because I was once told that love hurts and man you must know that my feelings for you hurt like hell because you simply don’t care.

See…now I’m really fed up with all these lies and waiting for you to change because man like spots to a cheetah you’ll never ever change.

So this is me saying goodbye to all the “Mr Right” tailored Sunday doses of afternoons with you. Nigga I’m tired of competing and hoping for the best from you.