At age 25 she lost the most private part of herself. A part of her she held on to for the past 25 years.
When an elderly asshole covered in a fashionable zest of sugar-daddy tendencies made breathing in her direction his new pet-project, she allowed her guard to drop!
When he promised her a world he only read about in The Business Times, she was sold.
What I don’t understand is how this no good bastard of a father, got her to give herself up for his rusty bronze-plated “truth”.
I don’t understand how a girl as smart as she is would feel the need to be blessed with lies, impossible forevers and unobtainable worlds.
Earning this man the ever-so-preached BLESSER status.
She was always too good for these boys. They couldn’t even lay a finger on her, but tonight a beast has been clawing her thighs.
Spreading them apart as if it would be a crime for them to ever touch each other.
He wanted to show her “HEAVEN”, a place he swears was built for her.
With white linen and sheets that resembles the clouds, towels and pillows for angels.
…and long heavily carpeted discreet passages that resembles passageways that lead you to apparent paradises of fantasised forevers.
It was a hotel, a “Five Star Hotel” one of the best to him, but one of the rest to me. They’re all the same to me, dungeons of sin and secrets big enough to break families apart.
She was never ready for the decisions she made when money and her heart’s weakness had blinded her importance and urgency to protect herself from the vultures of our world.
In the midst of his promises, she lost herself.
To his cruelty and greed, she lost her ever-so-praised self respect. The night she allowed him to stick his filthy oversized-ego inside of her innocence, she lost herself.
She lost her VIRGINITY, and her dignity was burnt beyond recognition.
I don’t want your sympathy, I mean it never really takes the pain away.
Don’t tell me that “everything will be ok”, because it never will be and I bet it won’t even get better.
Don’t give me your hanky, I know for a fact that it won’t help stop the tears from falling out of the bags of my eyes.
I would have gladly accepted your hug, but now I really find it useless. I don’t think it will make my heart feel any lighter or even fill the big hole that was left in it.
My soul has soaked in pain so much that my whole being is-literally of pain.
So don’t you dare tell me ukuthi “ngikhala nawe”, man I’ve lived with this pain almost all my life and trust me when I say I can feel it by myself, so I don’t need your help.
My sins have decided to play “catch-up” and catch up with me, my demons are eating at my soul, karma has decided to make like a fly and be my guest -an uninvited guest…
…and all the skeletons in my closest have decided to come out and play.
I’m in pain and this pain is internal, it is within the soul and in a way spiritual.
I doubt I’ll ever escape it.
What would you say if I came to you and asked you to consider staying in my life forever?!
Would you be interested?
What if I chose to be yours for life, promised to love you forever and swore to never dream beyond our castle?!
Would that be ok?
You taught me how to fly when I didn’t even believe in wings.
You made me realize how easy it is to stand up tall when I didn’t even think getting up was possible.
You make me believe that catching dreams with a butterfly net isn’t insane but simply fashionable.
You’re that part of me I missed all my life but I never knew I ever had.
A series of strings that has managed to keep me together.
Sthandwa sami you’re my joy, my pride and my strength.
Without you I’m a tree without brunches on which the world can’t feed.
So would you please show interest in staying in my life forever?
I mean simply allow me to name myself “YOURS” and promise to never imagine me out of your world.
Simply because, ngiyak’thanda wena Jobe wami.
Help me find your love I think I’ve lost it. Your undefined feelings towards me are starting to confuse my defined feelings towards you.
Our conversations are now cold and all the “I love yous” at the end don’t feel the same no more.
Our paragraphs have now become short-breathed sentences.
Help me find your love, I think it went swimming with sharks, the ocean is just too big and it may never find its way out.
All our plans have failed, dreams shattered and our hopes have turned into nothing.
Help me find your love, I think it’s trapped in a fear-cage. Guarded by doubt and protect by painful memories of a broken heart that doesn’t believe in getting mended.
Please help me find your love. I don’t think I can survive without it. I think uthando lwakho ludukile, you really need to find it because I need to be loved again.
Ngiyak’thanda, please find your love and love me again.
I need it.
Then “love at first sight”, now “love at best price”…
…because their potential is now measured by the price they’re willing to pay and how much love they’re willing to give.
I mean falling in love nowadays is quite simple. It is never magic or a miracle, it’s simply a choice we make.
You make a list of all the things you want in a man, you go looking for a few candidates, you analyse them, you choose the one who ticks the most boxes and you then choose to fall in love.
…but then you get ladies who only fall in love for a need. Those who make falling in love a money making business. Those who are normally considered gold-diggers, but who cares? I mean women need to make a living, so why not make a living out of the name of love?
See…their process is quite different. They they have standards and in order to met those standards you need to have money.
These women measure your potential with the price you’re willing to pay and the deeper your pockets, the deeper love.
Feelings and emotions come at a price. Their motto: “Your money is my command.”
Right now I really think the world has created women who have chosen to love like men. I believe all women are soon to be dogs, men the victims and all our invisible posters are about to tell a different story because days of “broken hearted girls” are history.
…because now our love is an idea and not a feeling. It’s all in the mind and never in the heart.