At first I thought I was just in love with an idea of who you could be to me, but then I tasted the sweetness of your possibilities and now I know I’m deeply in love with with a few shots of alleged forevers with you.
You know the saying: “Dynamites come in small packages:? That’s you sthandwa sami. My thoughts about you were small like dynamite packaging, but my experiences with you blew me up like dynamites would. You left me longing for more explosions as if destruction was fashionable.
You won my heart, I mean with every feel of your touch on my skin I was invited to your world of possibilities-two minutes adrenalines and all-, with every stroke I lost a piece of me in you and with every kiss… I buried my doubts and promised myself to never dig them up again.
So now I know I’ve always wanted “wholes”of you. Those fantasies were actually cries of a longing heart, the lusting was my souls way of letting me know that my body is ready to feel the weight of your breath.
I now know I’ve never and I’ll never love anyone with the same heart I love you with.
Call it a falling in love…
…because I traded my “thinking with my heart and loving with my mind” idea with a “thinking with my mind and loving with my heart” mentality.
I let go of all my fears and embraced my wishes. I ditched keeping an eye out and became a “Sleeping Beauty”, I allowed my mind the privilege of resting.
I think I fell in love.
I think I’ve always wanted my life to be perfect and my fear of getting hurt turned me into a knight, always on my toes and too cautious to even let my guard down.
No guy could have ever attempted to try me out, I mean no guy wants to feel like an enemy in their own relationship.
So it wasn’t until I decided to swap my protective armour and steel boots for a dress and a pair of heels that I finally found my Mr Right.
My Prince Charming.
Not only did he rescue a damsel in distress but he also swept me right under my feet and had love knocking me down.
I mean no one can ever raise me to the same height as he has, no one could have me close me eyes and have me feel the world move around me.
…or hold my hand and have waterfalls flow right through my spine. No one could smile at me and have me naming stars theirs.
He came into my life and had me believing that the moon was made from cheese, that with every “I love you” we say to each other the universe gives birth to a new star.
I know I fell in love.
With an incredible human being, a work of art. I think the word perfect never existed until he was born. With a smile that melts my heart and sends the juices to the moon and back, eyes that send chills down the spine of my soul making my spirits’ knees weak and a personality that sends electrical sparks that confuse the loving sh*t out of my brains?
I fell in love with amazing person.
God’s master piece.
Call it falling in love because I tripped, fell hard and became the happiest person alive.
They thought clipping my wings would make me earthbound, but it only emancipated my urge to fly away.
They thought caging me up would stop me from growing, but what they didn’t know is that a simple cage could not serve as a bonsai technique and that I could never be bonsai’d, so it only made my inner self reach its full potential.
They thought tapping my lips would shut me up but now the words are in my head and my fingers served has interpreters of my speech because I long to be heard, they could never silence me.
They scarred my face and thought that with these scars I wouldn’t be seen but what they didn’t know is that my presence is felt before it can be seen and that all these scars can never change the thought of my presence when I chose to avail myself.
I believe that God placed me on this earth for a reason.
With my bubbly personality to revive weary emotions, my smile to give hope to hopeless souls, my hands to touch life into dying spirits and my words to guide those searching for the truth they’ll never find.
I believe I was brought into this world to show people the light they thought they could never own, to give them a taste of love they only read about in books and the happiness they only sang about.
…and personally I would like to help them feel the freedom they’re too afraid to dream of, touch the love they’re too shy to wish for and grasp a reality they thought only exists in their minds.
Let them know it’s not an idea but a possibility that could be brought to life.
I can never be bonsai’d!
My imagination said: “Recently I’ve found myself crawling through the days of our lives,
Trying to reach a point where I actually love you and it hopelessly feels like a journey with no end.
It’s happening again, our
ASTHMATIC RELATIONSHIP has reached its ‘End By Date’.
At this point you have earned your spot to fall in line with your kind and name yourself a ‘Once Upon A Time’.
One of the temporary beings in my life.
A has been.”
…but my stubborn heart is holding on to yours, my body is renovating the feel of your touch on my skin and my mind is rewriting memories of you and they just seem so alive and simply current.
Reality keeps striking me and I have to let go but my being won’t give up just yet.
…I thought I didn’t understand why this was happening but today I learnt and understood where it all comes from.
I still love you and I’ve given all of me to you but fear keeps playing mind games and doubt is busy telling me that love never really existed.
Today I learnt that Cupid wasn’t stupid when he shot us with the same arrow.
See…when Zeus separated us and Cupid’s arrow helped us find each other?!
The heavens smiled because they simply knew that we were meant for one another and that we’ll always be together.
If only the universe had granted me powers of creation and named me Goddess the creator, I’d build the man of my fantasies.
In the image of “isthandwa sami” I’d create him.
With toffe-nut ice cream lips I’d create him.
I’d give him a lavender infested smile to fill the room with a motherly aroma every time he lays his eyes on me.
His eyes would be of pearls to make me fall deeper in love every time I stare into them.
His voice would be as relaxing as classical sounds. Matured mentals of your Beethovens and Mozarts.
If I had godly powers I’d create that man.
With skin made of chocolate-coloured cotton candy, good enough for me die for.
His heart would be of Gold and I a greedy miner.
Digging day and night.
His touch would be of warm subtle water falls at the edge of diamante mountains.
Priceless if you ask me.
I’d create him to fill the sky with stars every time he walks and his body would be a portrait to thirst over.
If only I was a goddess of creation, I’d create this man with godly features, in the image of “isthanwa sami” and devote myself to loving him as I love thyself.
It was another “short-breathed” relationship,
Or should I say an asthmatic relationship?
A relationship that was never really tailored for much excitement and an excessive expression of emotional experiences really.
It was a boring relationship.
A relationship of perfectionism and planning.
“Routines and traditions” is what their activities were inspired by.
They became blinded by their mentals of may, might and maybe.
…and now their blindness had allowed them to fall victim to fear and allow their fear of something going wrong feast heavily on their hunger to explore and somehow ‘live a little’.
The lifespan of their chronic relationship was unknown. It was somewhat critical, I mean it could get attacked at anytime and die out.
Its tomorrow wasn’t promised, so was its next time, so their dreams only existed in the moment…
…and their hope was fuelled by a short vision of a future they didn’t even believe in.
Our relationship was naturally toxic and any form of spark would have been the death of us.
I want you to find your wings again and fly away to find love once again.
I want you to learn to love more out there and less in here.
…because very soon I’m gonna leave you for good and the love I have for you wishes it could hurt less.
I’d love for you to get over me before the hate I have for myself forces you to forget me.
I want you to walk away while I’m still smiling and strive to always remember me like that.
I have shortened my bucket list and the only deed on it, is to love you and only you until the end.
I’m really sorry for the pain I’m about to bring to you but like everything else in the world pain also fades away.
Soon, all this will be nothing but memories and I just hope that one day when the tunnel of pain I’ve brought to you comes to an end your light shall come in eternal happiness form.
Dead on the inside and bearly holding-on, on the outside.
This is a break-up because I’m about to break-down.
If only plagiarism didn’t exist, I’d take all his words and make them mine.
Rewrite everything his hand has ever scribbled upon my soul.
I’d take music and turn it into a modern love letter. Embedding my feelings in your mind and engraving my love on your heart.
If only plagiarism didn’t exist, I’d borrow myself his thoughts, bedazzl them with my ideas and bring you to your knees.
Have you feel the world move around you. Have you thinking that it’s you and I against the world.
If plagiarism didn’t exist, I’d study his words to make them mine. I’d scribble onto sticky-notes my ideas, confessing my love for you.
I’d turn feelings into thoughts, emotions into ideas and mentals into heartbeats.
…but now plagiarism exists and using people’s sweat is a recorded crime so I’ll just look at you and hope that my eyes say it all when my smile fails to convince you.
Um’shelo so tough.
I’m sitting here thinking to myself. If all these posts were a book I’d have to write and finish a new one before the year ends.
I mean all the posts my hand has written were the past and the present says all that was hurt, fear and sadness.
…and now all that seems so far away from my reach. It feels as if my heart will never taste the bitterness of all that negativity and maybe, just maybe I was too quick to write off happiness in my life.
As I sit right here. I remember all the tears I shed, the fear I experienced and the pain I’ve felt.
All I can do now is smile and thank God for the new experience, the new life where I’m proud enough to stand up and say “YES, I’VE TASTED THE SWEETNESS OF BEING IN LOVE AND I NOW KNOW THAT LOVE IS TAILORED FOR ME.”
I’m in love.
What would you say if I came to you and asked you to consider staying in my life forever?!
Would you be interested?
What if I chose to be yours for life, promised to love you forever and swore to never dream beyond our castle?!
Would that be ok?
You taught me how to fly when I didn’t even believe in wings.
You made me realize how easy it is to stand up tall when I didn’t even think getting up was possible.
You make me believe that catching dreams with a butterfly net isn’t insane but simply fashionable.
You’re that part of me I missed all my life but I never knew I ever had.
A series of strings that has managed to keep me together.
Sthandwa sami you’re my joy, my pride and my strength.
Without you I’m a tree without brunches on which the world can’t feed.
So would you please show interest in staying in my life forever?
I mean simply allow me to name myself “YOURS” and promise to never imagine me out of your world.
Simply because, ngiyak’thanda wena Jobe wami.