Call it a falling in love…
…because I traded my “thinking with my heart and loving with my mind” idea with a “thinking with my mind and loving with my heart” mentality.
I let go of all my fears and embraced my wishes. I ditched keeping an eye out and became a “Sleeping Beauty”, I allowed my mind the privilege of resting.
I think I fell in love.
I think I’ve always wanted my life to be perfect and my fear of getting hurt turned me into a knight, always on my toes and too cautious to even let my guard down.
No guy could have ever attempted to try me out, I mean no guy wants to feel like an enemy in their own relationship.
So it wasn’t until I decided to swap my protective armour and steel boots for a dress and a pair of heels that I finally found my Mr Right.
My Prince Charming.
Not only did he rescue a damsel in distress but he also swept me right under my feet and had love knocking me down.
I mean no one can ever raise me to the same height as he has, no one could have me close me eyes and have me feel the world move around me.
…or hold my hand and have waterfalls flow right through my spine. No one could smile at me and have me naming stars theirs.
He came into my life and had me believing that the moon was made from cheese, that with every “I love you” we say to each other the universe gives birth to a new star.
I know I fell in love.
With an incredible human being, a work of art. I think the word perfect never existed until he was born. With a smile that melts my heart and sends the juices to the moon and back, eyes that send chills down the spine of my soul making my spirits’ knees weak and a personality that sends electrical sparks that confuse the loving sh*t out of my brains?
I fell in love with amazing person.
God’s master piece.
Call it falling in love because I tripped, fell hard and became the happiest person alive.
They thought clipping my wings would make earthbound, but it only emancipated my urge to fly away.
They thought caging me up would stop me from growing, but what they didn’t know is that a simple cage could not serve as a bonsai technique and that I could never be bonsai’d, so it only made my inner self reach its full potential.
They thought tapping my lips would shut me up but now the words are in my head and my fingers served has interpreters of my speech because I long to be heard, they could never silence me.
They scarred my face and thought that with these scars I wouldn’t be seen but what they didn’t know is that my presence is felt before it can be seen and that all these scars can never change the thought of my presence when I chose to avail myself.
I believe that God placed me on this earth for a reason.
With my bubbly personality to revive weary emotions, my smile to give hope to hopeless souls, my hands to touch life into dying spirits and my words to guide those searching for the truth they’ll never find.
I believe I was brought into this world to show people the light they thought they could never own, to give them a taste of love they only read about in books and the happiness they only sang about.
…and personally I would like to help them feel the freedom they’re too afraid to dream of, touch the love they’re too shy to wish for and grasp a reality they thought only exists in their minds.
Let them know it’s not an idea but a possibility that could be brought to life.
I can never be bonsai’d!
It was another “short-breathed” relationship,
Or should I say an asthmatic relationship?
A relationship that was never really tailored for much excitement and an excessive expression of emotional experiences really.
It was a boring relationship.
A relationship of perfectionism and planning.
“Routines and traditions” is what their activities were inspired by.
They became blinded by their mentals of may, might and maybe.
…and now their blindness had allowed them to fall victim to fear and allow their fear of something going wrong feast heavily on their hunger to explore and somehow ‘live a little’.
The lifespan of their chronic relationship was unknown. It was somewhat critical, I mean it could get attacked at anytime and die out.
Its tomorrow wasn’t promised, so was its next time, so their dreams only existed in the moment…
…and their hope was fuelled by a short vision of a future they didn’t even believe in.
Our relationship was naturally toxic and any form of spark would have been the death of us.
I want you to find your wings again and fly away to find love once again.
I want you to learn to love more out there and less in here.
…because very soon I’m gonna leave you for good and the love I have for you wishes it could hurt less.
I’d love for you to get over me before the hate I have for myself forces you to forget me.
I want you to walk away while I’m still smiling and strive to always remember me like that.
I have shortened my bucket list and the only deed on it, is to love you and only you until the end.
I’m really sorry for the pain I’m about to bring to you but like everything else in the world pain also fades away.
Soon, all this will be nothing but memories and I just hope that one day when the tunnel of pain I’ve brought to you comes to an end your light shall come in eternal happiness form.
Dead on the inside and bearly holding-on, on the outside.
This is a break-up because I’m about to break-down.
Has my “virgin heart” really turned into stone? Is it really that hard and cold?
…because I’ve been looking for forgiveness and I just can’t find it.
All the beauty it once possessed has disappeared and darkness has chosen to find itself a home.
Once a home now an empty, old dirty castle of darkness, fear and painful memories of all the bridges I had to build just to get over the hurt that came into my heart and broke down all the strong walls I kept up.
All the walls I built with “happiness-bricks”.
You know it’s funny how I once thought hurt wasn’t tailored for me. I thought I was just too damn happy to feel an ounce of pain but hey, reality says that I’m only human and like any other human being I’m bound to get hurt and feel… feel the need to drop to my knees and weep like a widowed woman.
Weep and cry because of a broken glass-virgin heart.
I really thought hurt wasn’t tailored for me but you came into my life and made me fall in line with all the broken hearted girls. Singing songs of “why, what, how and how much?” As if the bed they lay upon has all the answers to their rhetorical questions.
I was foolish I know. Blinded by your love I know. I was blind, I know. Falling for all your stories of “make-believes” I was blind.
In happily ever afters you got me to believe.
…but now that’s an old book I’ve closed and kept down the old shed and ounces of dust have settled on it.
All that is forgotten and I’m a new person now.
Help me find your love I think I’ve lost it. Your undefined feelings towards me are starting to confuse my defined feelings towards you.
Our conversations are now cold and all the “I love yous” at the end don’t feel the same no more.
Our paragraphs have now become short-breathed sentences.
Help me find your love, I think it went swimming with sharks, the ocean is just too big and it may never find its way out.
All our plans have failed, dreams shattered and our hopes have turned into nothing.
Help me find your love, I think it’s trapped in a fear-cage. Guarded by doubt and protect by painful memories of a broken heart that doesn’t believe in getting mended.
Please help me find your love. I don’t think I can survive without it. I think uthando lwakho ludukile, you really need to find it because I need to be loved again.
Ngiyak’thanda, please find your love and love me again.
I need it.
You know what they say about searching?!
You don’t always find what you’re looking for.
…but then a while ago I went looking for Mr Right and came back with a broken heart and decided to call my search off.
…and only when I stopped searching, Mr Right came and became my “Prince charming” I his “damsel in distress”.
He came looking, he found me and chose to rescue me.
See… my turn of believing in fairytales is now here and mine Moozie has chosen to became my fairy with a tale and teach me how to love.
Lord. I’ve never loved like this and with no doubt I’ve chosen to make ‘dangerous’ my favourite activity and went busking with my vulture.
Within minutes I’ve given him all the keys to my kraal, gave him all the trust and named him the protector of my virgin heart.
Risky? I know!
With my paint brush in hand I’m ready to write our tale. In all our favourite colours I’m ready to paint it loud enough for people to hear that, not only am I yours but forever I’m yours to keep.
See… in him I’ve found a GOLDMINE and golddigging is no longer my favourite activity because now treasure has found a home in my kraal.
…and all my heart’s desires have become activities of keeping a smile on his face and my tongue’s desires are letters of his name.
Man, I’ve found myself a man and in him I got lessons of loving carefully and carelessly at the same damn time.
I’ve fallen deeply in love and if this is how LOVE feels like, I don’t ever want to find myself on my feet again.
Then “love at first sight”, now “love at best price”…
…because their potential is now measured by the price they’re willing to pay and how much love they’re willing to give.
I mean falling in love nowadays is quite simple. It is never magic or a miracle, it’s simply a choice we make.
You make a list of all the things you want in a man, you go looking for a few candidates, you analyse them, you choose the one who ticks the most boxes and you then choose to fall in love.
…but then you get ladies who only fall in love for a need. Those who make falling in love a money making business. Those who are normally considered gold-diggers, but who cares? I mean women need to make a living, so why not make a living out of the name of love?
See…their process is quite different. They they have standards and in order to met those standards you need to have money.
These women measure your potential with the price you’re willing to pay and the deeper your pockets, the deeper love.
Feelings and emotions come at a price. Their motto: “Your money is my command.”
Right now I really think the world has created women who have chosen to love like men. I believe all women are soon to be dogs, men the victims and all our invisible posters are about to tell a different story because days of “broken hearted girls” are history.
…because now our love is an idea and not a feeling. It’s all in the mind and never in the heart.
“My love for you is very lustful with no emotional connection involved really.
For you my heart will never ever miss a beat because it has never ever felt your presence.
I wish I could say you make my heart beat but I can’t because you don’t but all you ever do is make “it” rain and believe me when I say that when it rains, it actually floods.
See… You don’t invade my thoughts but you actually invade my fantasies and all I ever fantasise about is your awesomeness.
You’re one of a kind, and definitely one of my kind you are. In a lustful way though.”
That was all I could say to him, in attempts to save him.
See… that to me, was a big enough boat to help him sail away from his lame ideas of him and I “loving each other forever”.
…because in my eyes he really needed to be saved.