Tag Archives: #Hate

This is a break-up…

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I want you to find your wings again and fly away to find love once again.

I want you to learn to love more out there and less in here.
…because very soon I’m gonna leave you for good and the love I have for you wishes it could hurt less.

I’d love for you to get over me before the hate I have for myself forces you to forget me.

I want you to walk away while I’m still smiling and strive to always remember me like that.

I have shortened my bucket list and the only deed on it, is to love you and only you until the end.

I’m really sorry for the pain I’m about to bring to you but like everything else in the world pain also fades away.

Soon, all this will be nothing but memories and I just hope that one day when the tunnel of pain I’ve brought to you comes to an end your light shall come in eternal happiness form.

Dead on the inside and bearly holding-on, on the outside.
I’m done.

This is a break-up because I’m about to break-down.

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The silence was loud…

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…and I repeat, the silence was loud!!!

Anger was raging within me and pain was just weighing my heart down making it feel so empty, yet there I was in his arms.

In the arms of a man who once pledged to always be at my rescue and protect me from all the scars of the world, yet he’s the one who’s wounding me.

The wound is so deep it might never taste the sweetness of healing again.

My eyes were so wet and I was trying so hard to fight back the tears on some: “BlaQed come on, pull yourself together. You know you’re stronger than that, remember that BIG DON’T GIRLS CRY.”

“Big girls don’t cry” really?! Are we that naive?
Big girls are also human, they have feelings man.
They hurt.

…but then at that moment I felt the need to swallow a rock and waterproof my eyes. I couldn’t allow him to see that he has touched my heart, I couldn’t give him the satisfaction of getting close to breaking BlaQed.

I mean BlaQed is unbreakable, she hardly hurts, she’s strong, she’s an activist who stands for the protection of hearts-women hearts-.

So…with all that in my heart and an influx of painful events in my mind I was playing a game of picking Pokemon, choosing whether to be only human and cry or just become a mutant superhero and choose wayfer form and not cry.

The room was filled with blindness, distrust, hurt, lies, pain, unfaithfulness and untruthfulness.

I was quiet because I knew what he didn’t know I knew,  he was quiet because he was trying to understand the root of my silence.

In my mind I wanted to rewrite “Lamb to the slaughter” and just slaughter his selfish ass but in my heart I just wanted to forget it all and learn to love him again without fear nor regrets.

We were having private conversations with ourselves and the silence in that room was just too damn loud.

…because these scars were meant to stick.

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I could never understand why you keep beating me up and then apologize as if the “sorry” will remove the scars on my face.

I could never figure out what goes on your mind every time you raise your fist in ought to bash some discipline into my ever-struck bruise embellished face.

Isn’t the fear in my eyes enough for you to know how much I respect you?
Isn’t my silence quiet enough for you to understand that you rule over me and there’s nothing I can ever say to you in attempts to disrespect what you stand for?

All the make-up in the world could never be enough to hide all these scars, because your scars were never meant to heal but to stick.-You know sometimes I ask myself if you’re doing all this to prove that my beauty was meant for your eyes only and now you’ve finally managed to destroy all of it and I’m now pretty useless to those who’ll want to see the beauty I posses or maybe you’re the only guy for me and no one else should ever notice me?-

I mean all the clothes in the world could never be enough to cover all the bruises that bedazzle my pain infused once sacred but now profane body.

All the lies I’ve told have left me questioning my sanity. I mean no sane person could keep walking into a door they’ve lived with forever. No sane person could keep slipping and hitting the door handle.

How did you get so heartless? All my screams go unheard, all my cries go unfelt and my pleads are simply in vain.

You almost had me fooled, believing that taking your beatings means I’m feeling your love and that all the anger is caused by my flaws.

You had me staying up all day and night trying to perfect myself for a beast who never even noticed my efforts. The more I fixed myself it’s the more you got angry and the more you got angry I had to tolerate the abuse in hopes that you’ll one day wake up a better man and we’ll live happily ever after.

…but I’m really sorry man. All the beatings I can’t take no-more, all the make-up I can’t afford no-more and all these clothes I can’t stand no-more because the heat is simply unbearable.

Staying with you is some sort of suicidal attempt.
…because about a million times I’ve choked on my screams,
because about a thousand times I’ve drowned in my tears and about a hundred times I’ve hanged my precious soul with the pain caused by your anger and hatred.

I’ve been waiting for you to change and go back to being that Golden Man of mine for way too long and now waiting seems too impossible because to you change seems a bit too out of reach.

I’m really sorry but I’m done being your punching bag and don’t you dare say sorry because that sorry of yours will never remove all these emotional, mental and physical scars caused by your doubtful manliness.

This is my goodbye and I pray to God that this one’s forever because now all my efforts will go into erasing every ounce of who you once were to me.

Love at first sight.

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I had never thought that one day I might be someone’s “love at first sight”.
A movie cliché thingy if you ask me.

…but then again life is simply a humongous series of clichés on its own.

So… It happened and I was someone’s “love at first sight”. It’s a bit funny how I could have never noticed it if he hadn’t actually brought it up, because I simply don’t believe in “love at first sight”.
I mean what the hell?

Coming to think of it. It actually happens a lot lately and now it has me wondering and surfing between waves of confusion, trying to figure out if it’s coincidental, insane or simply imaginative. Maybe these guys are simply toying with my thoughts in hopes of gaining an advance to my emotions.

…but then this particular guy is one of a kind. I think it’s even safe enough for me to say that… Like wine, he also gets better with time.

See..my issues with men had me hating on every ounce of who he was at first, the beauty he possesses remained unseen in my eyes and every effort he made was like adding insult to injury. Giving me an untamed urge to grab a gun and blow his head off.
I mean how dare he attempt to walk into my life and invade my space like that? suffocating me with his awesomeness and all.
I guess he was my “love at first sight” after all.

…but now my stubbornness always fails to accept and do with that fact that like any other human being I also fall in love and unlike most… When I do it becomes dangerously in love.

See… When he first saw me he knew that he had fallen in love but when I saw him I thought I had fallen in hate.

All his efforts became attempts of making me feel worthy and special but all my efforts became attempt of making him fell less important and worthless, because in my mind I could never let a man I’ve fallen in love with into my life because when he ever decides to leave the pain would be immensely unbearable.

So… He chose to let me know that he saw me once and fell for me about a million times and I just wish I could care less because in my mind “love at first sight” is insanity.