My imagination said: “Recently I’ve found myself crawling through the days of our lives,
Trying to reach a point where I actually love you and it hopelessly feels like a journey with no end.
It’s happening again, our
ASTHMATIC RELATIONSHIP has reached its ‘End By Date’.
At this point you have earned your spot to fall in line with your kind and name yourself a ‘Once Upon A Time’.
One of the temporary beings in my life.
A has been.”
…but my stubborn heart is holding on to yours, my body is renovating the feel of your touch on my skin and my mind is rewriting memories of you and they just seem so alive and simply current.
Reality keeps striking me and I have to let go but my being won’t give up just yet.
…I thought I didn’t understand why this was happening but today I learnt and understood where it all comes from.
I still love you and I’ve given all of me to you but fear keeps playing mind games and doubt is busy telling me that love never really existed.
Today I learnt that Cupid wasn’t stupid when he shot us with the same arrow.
See…when Zeus separated us and Cupid’s arrow helped us find each other?!
The heavens smiled because they simply knew that we were meant for one another and that we’ll always be together.
I don’t want your sympathy, I mean it never really takes the pain away.
Don’t tell me that “everything will be ok”, because it never will be and I bet it won’t even get better.
Don’t give me your hanky, I know for a fact that it won’t help stop the tears from falling out of the bags of my eyes.
I would have gladly accepted your hug, but now I really find it useless. I don’t think it will make my heart feel any lighter or even fill the big hole that was left in it.
My soul has soaked in pain so much that my whole being is-literally of pain.
So don’t you dare tell me ukuthi “ngikhala nawe”, man I’ve lived with this pain almost all my life and trust me when I say I can feel it by myself, so I don’t need your help.
My sins have decided to play “catch-up” and catch up with me, my demons are eating at my soul, karma has decided to make like a fly and be my guest -an uninvited guest…
…and all the skeletons in my closest have decided to come out and play.
I’m in pain and this pain is internal, it is within the soul and in a way spiritual.
I doubt I’ll ever escape it.
I’ve always wanted to be the best daughter ever. Trying so hard to correct the mistakes of those who came before me.
…but now I’ve failed. I decided to put my happiness first and in the process I’m about to bring sadness to people who once decided to take a leap of Faith and put their trust in me.
In their eyes I’m a daughter, an angel but to the truth and myself. I’m a monster and I believe I was created for nothing else but to self destruct.
I’ve reached my peak and I’m about to self destruct.
I’m about to chop myself into a million pieces just to remind myself what real pain feels like.
I’m about to shut down the entire system of my existence and call it “Operation Deuses”.
My anger thoughts on repeat. In my head, bitter thoughts are like a song with no instruments. Its words are so sharp and they just keep banging in my head.
I had never dreamt of hurting you, I mean I can never bring myself to the point of doing you wrong.
…but that doesn’t really matter to you. I mean in your eyes I’m a thief, a happiness-thief.
I make people build their worlds around me just to knock them down.
Have them believe in the good to blinden them from seeing my badness.
You thought I never saw it coming? Well, I did.
I saw it all… when all that I said didn’t really matter that much to you.
When all my efforts were in vain and all you thought about was not falling victim to my ways of cruelty?!
I saw it all.
See… the day you choose to open your eyes and see all the beauty my actions possessed, I’d be long gone.
…because now you foolish ways of playing FBI with my happiness and peace are eating at my patience and persistence.
On day will be our day and when our day comes, I’ll throw the towel, take a bucket and rope, find a tree and put an end to our happiness.
Lay it to rest, because we have both taken advantage of it.
I had never thought that one day I might be someone’s “love at first sight”.
A movie cliché thingy if you ask me.
…but then again life is simply a humongous series of clichés on its own.
So… It happened and I was someone’s “love at first sight”. It’s a bit funny how I could have never noticed it if he hadn’t actually brought it up, because I simply don’t believe in “love at first sight”.
I mean what the hell?
Coming to think of it. It actually happens a lot lately and now it has me wondering and surfing between waves of confusion, trying to figure out if it’s coincidental, insane or simply imaginative. Maybe these guys are simply toying with my thoughts in hopes of gaining an advance to my emotions.
…but then this particular guy is one of a kind. I think it’s even safe enough for me to say that… Like wine, he also gets better with time.
See..my issues with men had me hating on every ounce of who he was at first, the beauty he possesses remained unseen in my eyes and every effort he made was like adding insult to injury. Giving me an untamed urge to grab a gun and blow his head off.
I mean how dare he attempt to walk into my life and invade my space like that? suffocating me with his awesomeness and all.
I guess he was my “love at first sight” after all.
…but now my stubbornness always fails to accept and do with that fact that like any other human being I also fall in love and unlike most… When I do it becomes dangerously in love.
See… When he first saw me he knew that he had fallen in love but when I saw him I thought I had fallen in hate.
All his efforts became attempts of making me feel worthy and special but all my efforts became attempt of making him fell less important and worthless, because in my mind I could never let a man I’ve fallen in love with into my life because when he ever decides to leave the pain would be immensely unbearable.
So… He chose to let me know that he saw me once and fell for me about a million times and I just wish I could care less because in my mind “love at first sight” is insanity.
So… I sat down. Writing it over and over on a piece of paper and using capital letters in hopes that it sinks in and actually make sense.
“A MILLION LOVE LETTERS AND I’M STILL ON MY OWN!” were my exact words.
Coming to think of it. It’s an emptied bold statement that sums up my love life in simple text. A very ironic situation if you ask me and I’ve found a way to live with it.
Sometimes I even doubt that love exists. I mean even great men who’ve written about it have failed to explain what it is.
Even I who counts herself amongst the great has failed to understand it and my definitions keep contradicting themselves.
So I chose to ignore. Exclude myself from the culture of falling in love and wanting to be part of those who feel the need to belong.
…and don’t get me wrong y’all.
This isn’t because I chose to but because I have to. I mean even if love was to smack me right in between my eyes I could never notice it because for years love has knocked and I’ve failed to answer.
Some say it’s fear, some say it’s preference and I always say that it’s time and the universe working against each other and causing unpleasant frequencies encouraging me to shy away from what’s known to be “good enough” for me.
So all those love letters a.k.a proposals have been flooding in and I’m still on my own because I’ve decided to turn a blind eye and ignore.
I said: “Hi, my name is Minnie and I’d love to know about you.”
Let me explain it to you.
When I first saw him, my life’s situation became a coleslaw salad in the middle of a “7 coloured” Sunday dish back in Ghettos -a complicated once in a while experience-.
Mixed emotions, confused feelings and disfigured actions became a part of my life.
I started planning.
Burning my own rules without regret and constantly fearing the outcomes.
His presence took over baba, and life became a fairytale (a dream come true).
He filled my heart with joy. My thoughts were invaded by his presence and all my tongue’s desires became the letters of his name.
I found myself uttering his name out of the blue.
My actions were the dictionary.
Defining the feelings of confused ‘love struck’ beings.
Him and I defined what love was (in my world of course).
I saw the sight that portrait (him) and I was blessed.
So I was wondering if he could kindly let me know about him.