Tag Archives: #Fear

The “final” note!

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It wasn’t the end but only the beginning.

Her fears wrote a letter to her happiness in “final note” form and it went like:

“I want to go bungee jumping without ropes just to see how long it will take for me to reach the ground…

…or maybe cut myself real deep, just to see the amount of blood I have in me.

Might even stab my heart, I really want to see how deep the knife can go.

I want to go skydiving with no skydiving gear, I want to see how many seconds it takes for one to finally kiss the ground.

I’d overdose and start counting sheep but I’m afraid I might count to infinity and back.

Don’t tell me about pain because I believe there is no greater pain in the world than the pain I’m feeling now.

I need to escape, I need to be freed off this excruciating pain I’m feeling. I need to break free and finally taste eternal rest.

Death and fear don’t scare me no more. I’ve been afraid for too damn long and my courage says I should jump off the highest building just to really feel for the very last time.

…and I promise I’ll be smiling when I slowly burn out, I’ll make sure only my beauty is remembered.

I’m ready.”

…but now her world hadn’t been informed of such an implication. When the content had slipped off the fingers of her social networks,  they thought it was a suicidal note.

A final letter of demand from the troubled soul lurking within the ever-glowing contours of her imperfected silhouette.

Her world was wounded and scared by fears of the unknown whereabouts of her truths.

All that wasn’t really  necessary because what the world didn’t know is that it was only the end of her fears and troubles, and the beginning of success and eternal happiness.

Another “final” note!

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I’ve always wanted to be the best daughter ever. Trying so hard to correct the mistakes of those who came before me.

…but now I’ve failed. I decided to put my happiness first and in the process I’m about to bring sadness to people who once decided to take a leap of Faith and put their trust in me.

In their eyes I’m a daughter, an angel but to the truth and myself. I’m a monster and I believe I was created for nothing else but to self destruct.

I’ve reached my peak and I’m about to self destruct.
I’m about to chop myself into a million pieces just to remind myself what real pain feels like.

I’m about to shut down the entire system of my existence and call it “Operation Deuses”.

I’m done.

Mxm, man you’re insecure.

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My anger thoughts on repeat. In my head, bitter thoughts are like a song with no instruments. Its words are so sharp and they just keep banging in my head.

I had never dreamt of hurting you, I mean I can never bring myself to the point of doing you wrong.

…but that doesn’t really matter to you. I mean in your eyes I’m a thief, a happiness-thief.
I make people build their worlds around me just to knock them down.

Have them believe in the good to blinden them from seeing my badness.

You thought I never saw it coming? Well, I did.

I saw it all… when all that I said didn’t really matter that much to you.
When all my efforts were in vain and all you thought about was not falling victim to my ways of cruelty?!
I saw it all.

See… the day you choose to open your eyes and see all the beauty my actions possessed,  I’d be long gone.

…because now you foolish ways of playing FBI with my happiness and peace are eating at my patience and persistence.

On day will be our day and when our day comes, I’ll throw the towel, take a  bucket and rope, find a tree and put an end to our happiness.

Lay it to rest, because we have both taken advantage of it.

A dose of you on a Sunday afternoon.

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A dose of a Sunday afternoon with you to last me the whole week because with you that’s all I’ll ever get.

You know I keep asking myself if this is really what love is and if it is… I actually pray to God I never fall in love again.

To me you’re either married or there’s simply a long list of us, with only one you to show up and please…which is not quite easy on your side or I’m simply the least important of them all.
Now choose your struggle and let me be at ease with my position in your life.

You could’ve been honest enough with me and told me it’s nothing but lust and having me deciding if I am to fall victim to your cold acts of adultery.

…but then no. You had to be selfish. Hook me on your riches, sell me dreams, build me a castle, name me its Queen and having me drowning in confusion.

Now I really don’t know what’s real. I don’t even know what you are to me but all I know is that, I don’t know what love is but what I feel for you must be love because I was once told that love hurts and man you must know that my feelings for you hurt like hell because you simply don’t care.

See…now I’m really fed up with all these lies and waiting for you to change because man like spots to a cheetah you’ll never ever change.

So this is me saying goodbye to all the “Mr Right” tailored Sunday doses of afternoons with you. Nigga I’m tired of competing and hoping for the best from you.

Let’s dance!

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As we sit here, relaxing in the park. Planning our future with our eyes and confessing our love with empty gestures embedded in our shyly flashed smiles.

I beg you to allow me this kiss. See…I’ve been staring at you for hours, wondering if you’d ever love me as much as I love you and that you’d ever feel the need to embrace that love without fear and promises made.

I wonder if you can ever want me as much as I want you without plans and thoughts about tomorrow.

Our days will be the dance floor, our decision the dance routine and you’ll allow me to take the lead.

I promise to be patient and not too quick.
See… If you trust me enough we won’t need any rehearsals.

So… I beg you to allow this kiss. Let me lead you to the dance floor, allowing us to dance our lives away.

2 decades old and I still haven’t touched love.

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I really don’t know if I’ve been a little too blind, too ignorant or simply too naive to even see what love is in my life or even to me.

…but then again I think my innocence had me looking for love only in the comfort of my own home and nowhere else and my pain embellished fear has forbidden me from taking off the blindfold that has helped turn a blind eye against love for so long because my heart was never really ready to get hurt and actually feel pain.

See…the closest I ever got to being “in love” was finding best friends and promising that I’ll never ever leave their sight.
Dedicating my life to keeping them happy and praying to God that I never do anything to encourage them to leave my sight because I simply know that without them in my life I’ll never survive.

…and the closest I ever got to learning about what love is, was from reading tons of novels on love. Hopeless, I know!

But then you see…my fear of falling in love and actually being loved has saved me about a million times from heartbreak.

Meeting and falling for all these appetizing personas and praying to God that it’s only just a dream and I’d wake up from it or simply accepting that I’m only human and all that is only tailored to happen and that the only way to deal with the situation is to snap out and realize that love is not for me.

A million love letters and I’m still on my own.

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So… I sat down. Writing it over and over on a piece of paper and using capital letters in hopes that it sinks in and actually make sense.

“A MILLION LOVE LETTERS AND I’M STILL ON MY OWN!” were my exact words.

Coming to think of it. It’s an emptied bold statement that sums up my love life in simple text. A very ironic situation if you ask me and I’ve found a way to live with it.

Sometimes I even doubt that love exists. I mean even great men who’ve written about it have failed to explain what it is.
Even I who counts herself amongst the great has failed to understand it and my definitions keep contradicting themselves.

So I chose to ignore. Exclude myself from the culture of falling in love and wanting to be part of those who feel the need to belong.
…and don’t get me wrong y’all.

This isn’t because I chose to but because I have to. I mean even if love was to smack me right in between my eyes I could never notice it because for years love has knocked and I’ve failed to answer.

Some say it’s fear, some say it’s preference and I always say that it’s time and the universe working against each other and causing unpleasant frequencies encouraging me to shy away from what’s known to be “good enough” for me.

So all those love letters a.k.a proposals have been flooding in and I’m still on my own because I’ve decided to turn a blind eye and ignore.

A journey for all but walked by few.

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I said: “It’s a journey for all but walked by few.” …but he never understood me.

See… His head was full of ideas, his nights filled with dreams and his thoughts with wild fantasies of us cuddling, kissing and sexing but then all that to me were lame ideas of senseless souls.

He could never ever be my type. I mean all the stairs in the world could never raise him to my height.

Him learning to love me, became my lessons of hate. Me… Hating everything he loves and him loving everything I hate because his world was built on loving everything about me and mine was created around hating everything about him.

He became blinded by what he thought he had discovered.
My flaws were perfect in his eyes.
I became a QUEEN of a castle he had forever embedded in his mind. A GODDESS for him to worship.

He tried explaining his love for me but I could never understand so much love because love to me was “A journey for all but walked by few.”