I don’t want your sympathy, I mean it never really takes the pain away.
Don’t tell me that “everything will be ok”, because it never will be and I bet it won’t even get better.
Don’t give me your hanky, I know for a fact that it won’t help stop the tears from falling out of the bags of my eyes.
I would have gladly accepted your hug, but now I really find it useless. I don’t think it will make my heart feel any lighter or even fill the big hole that was left in it.
My soul has soaked in pain so much that my whole being is-literally of pain.
So don’t you dare tell me ukuthi “ngikhala nawe”, man I’ve lived with this pain almost all my life and trust me when I say I can feel it by myself, so I don’t need your help.
My sins have decided to play “catch-up” and catch up with me, my demons are eating at my soul, karma has decided to make like a fly and be my guest -an uninvited guest…
…and all the skeletons in my closest have decided to come out and play.
I’m in pain and this pain is internal, it is within the soul and in a way spiritual.
I doubt I’ll ever escape it.
Don’t you dare tell me that you love me now, because I kind of feel like it doesn’t really matter now.
See…when I longed for your love it was nowhere to be found.
You chose to play a game of “hide and seek”. You hid your heart and made my poor soul seek it.
I’m tired of seeking your “faded out” love and I swear once I turn my back on the idea of ever finding it, the only way forward is teaching myself how to forget about ever being in love with you and learning how to fall in love with a deserving heart.
I’m sick and tired of the long scruffy journey I’ve walked in search of your hidden heart.
I’ve nursed myself way too much and I’m about to become iskhorokhoro.
With all the bruises I got from thorns of your cold heart,
Scars I got from dried out branches of your heartlessness,
Scratches I got from your “bob-draaded” selfishness,
…and wounds I got from stepping on pieces of your shattered-broken mirrored hate.
I’m done, ngiyas’thula les’gqoko. I will not allow you to do as you please with my feelings.
Game’s up, you better find your heart because my soul’s seeking days are over.
I wish i could look into your eyes and say that all is well, but i can’t because it’s not.
Every time I look at you my heart just gets too damn heavy and my eyes fill up with tears.
I wish I could allow you to hold me close and promise me that “everything will be ok” but I can’t…
…because the day you chose to walk out of the doors of trust I kept up for you, I chose to lose faith in you.
You’ve scarred my heart and it hurts so bad.
I really don’t know if it’s growth or simply a series of events that have decided to align themselves with each other, motivating each other to happen and simply awaiting turns.
Sounds silly, I know!
…but then here’s what’s up. You know how I’ve always hated men and every ounce of who they are? Well lately I seem to keep forgetting that I’m that kind of person.
See…lately I find myself attracted to a wide variety of these -in my world- senseless personers (men).
I mean I seem to notice every little detail about them, even though I’m sometimes left feeling a little perverty. From their kissable, I mean biteable lips, cute eyes, perfect height, sexy walk…etc
I think this “men” analyzing business is becoming a hobby and undressing them with my eyes is slowly becoming a habit. I mean, what the hell?
…and there’s a wide variety of them hey. I mean the person who came up with the “all men are the same” idea must have been blind as hell. Come on sistah. How the heck do you miss out on such awesomeness?
Now I actually do believe that “there’s a lot of fish in the sea”.
I really don’t know if this is just a passing phase, an undeniable stage in my life, the new/real me or if it’s simply inevitable growth but I know I like it.