Painfully pained


I don’t want your sympathy, I mean it never really takes the pain away.

Don’t tell me that “everything will be ok”, because it never will be and I bet it won’t even get better.

Don’t give me your hanky, I know for a fact that it won’t help stop the tears from falling out of the bags of my eyes.

I would have gladly accepted your hug, but now I really find it useless. I don’t think it will make my heart feel any lighter or even fill the big hole that was left in it.

My soul has soaked in pain so much that my whole being is-literally of pain.

So don’t you dare tell me ukuthi “ngikhala nawe”, man I’ve lived with this pain almost all my life and trust me when I say I can feel it by myself, so I don’t need your help.
Don’t bother.

My sins have decided to play “catch-up” and catch up with me, my demons are eating at my soul, karma has decided to make like a fly and be my guest -an uninvited guest…
…and all the skeletons in my closest have decided to come out and play.

I’m in pain and this pain is internal, it is within the soul and in a way spiritual.

I doubt I’ll ever escape it.


An asthmatic relationship


It was another “short-breathed” relationship,
Or should I say an asthmatic relationship?

A relationship that was never really tailored for much excitement and an excessive expression of emotional experiences really.

It was a boring relationship.

A relationship of perfectionism and planning.
“Routines and traditions” is what their activities were inspired by.

They became blinded by their mentals of may, might and maybe.
…and now their blindness had allowed them to fall victim to fear and allow their fear of something going wrong feast heavily on their hunger to explore  and somehow ‘live a little’.

The lifespan of their chronic relationship was unknown. It was somewhat critical, I mean it could get attacked at anytime and die out.

Its tomorrow wasn’t promised, so was its next time, so their dreams only existed in the moment…
…and their hope was fuelled by a short vision of a future they didn’t  even believe in.

Our relationship was naturally toxic and any form of spark would have been the death of us.


Find your hidden heart!


Don’t you dare tell me that you love me now, because I kind of feel like it doesn’t really matter now.

See…when I longed for your love it was nowhere to be found.

You chose to play a game of “hide and seek”. You hid your heart and made my poor soul seek it.

I’m tired of seeking your “faded out” love and I swear once I turn my back on the idea of ever finding it, the only way forward is teaching myself how to forget about ever being in love with you and learning how to fall in love with a deserving heart.

I’m sick and tired of the long scruffy journey I’ve walked in search of your hidden heart.

I’ve nursed myself way too much and I’m about to become iskhorokhoro.
With all the bruises I got from thorns of your cold heart,
Scars I got from dried out branches of your heartlessness,
Scratches I got from your “bob-draaded” selfishness,
…and wounds I got from stepping on pieces of your shattered-broken mirrored hate.

I’m done, ngiyas’thula les’gqoko. I will not allow you to do as you please with my feelings.

Game’s up, you better find your heart because my soul’s seeking days are over.

Broken soul, scarred heart!


I wish i could look into your eyes and say that all is well, but i can’t because it’s not.

Every time I look at you my heart just gets too damn heavy and my eyes fill up with tears.

I wish I could allow you to hold me close and promise me that “everything will be ok” but I can’t…

…because the day you chose to walk out of the doors of trust I kept up for you, I chose to lose faith in you.

You’ve scarred my heart and it hurts so bad.
I’m broken!

Another “final” note!


I’ve always wanted to be the best daughter ever. Trying so hard to correct the mistakes of those who came before me.

…but now I’ve failed. I decided to put my happiness first and in the process I’m about to bring sadness to people who once decided to take a leap of Faith and put their trust in me.

In their eyes I’m a daughter, an angel but to the truth and myself. I’m a monster and I believe I was created for nothing else but to self destruct.

I’ve reached my peak and I’m about to self destruct.
I’m about to chop myself into a million pieces just to remind myself what real pain feels like.

I’m about to shut down the entire system of my existence and call it “Operation Deuses”.

I’m done.

This is a break-up…


I want you to find your wings again and fly away to find love once again.

I want you to learn to love more out there and less in here.
…because very soon I’m gonna leave you for good and the love I have for you wishes it could hurt less.

I’d love for you to get over me before the hate I have for myself forces you to forget me.

I want you to walk away while I’m still smiling and strive to always remember me like that.

I have shortened my bucket list and the only deed on it, is to love you and only you until the end.

I’m really sorry for the pain I’m about to bring to you but like everything else in the world pain also fades away.

Soon, all this will be nothing but memories and I just hope that one day when the tunnel of pain I’ve brought to you comes to an end your light shall come in eternal happiness form.

Dead on the inside and bearly holding-on, on the outside.
I’m done.

This is a break-up because I’m about to break-down.

Pay attention, she’s dying.


They only wanted to save me but I never needed to be saved.
The only “saving” I wanted was freedom to drown with my demons until the end and kiss them goodbye.

…but they could’ve never understood. They wouldn’t understand that I had made peace with my sins and was now ready to let them eat me up.

Allow fear to dine on my soul while hurt and regret feast on my hunger to carry on.

It’s funny how the world always expects you to be swinging while you’re actually hanging.
How society expects you to be swimming when you’re actually drowning.

How they always say it was just a sudden cough, instead of a struggled choke.

Hey listen! I’m not laughing, I’m crying and soon I will be dying and not playing.

Mxm, man you’re insecure.


My anger thoughts on repeat. In my head, bitter thoughts are like a song with no instruments. Its words are so sharp and they just keep banging in my head.

I had never dreamt of hurting you, I mean I can never bring myself to the point of doing you wrong.

…but that doesn’t really matter to you. I mean in your eyes I’m a thief, a happiness-thief.
I make people build their worlds around me just to knock them down.

Have them believe in the good to blinden them from seeing my badness.

You thought I never saw it coming? Well, I did.

I saw it all… when all that I said didn’t really matter that much to you.
When all my efforts were in vain and all you thought about was not falling victim to my ways of cruelty?!
I saw it all.

See… the day you choose to open your eyes and see all the beauty my actions possessed,  I’d be long gone.

…because now you foolish ways of playing FBI with my happiness and peace are eating at my patience and persistence.

On day will be our day and when our day comes, I’ll throw the towel, take a  bucket and rope, find a tree and put an end to our happiness.

Lay it to rest, because we have both taken advantage of it.



If only plagiarism didn’t exist, I’d take all his words and make them mine.
Rewrite everything his hand has ever scribbled upon my soul.

I’d take music and turn it into a modern love letter. Embedding my feelings in your mind and engraving my love on your heart.

If only plagiarism didn’t exist, I’d borrow myself his thoughts, bedazzl them with my ideas and bring you to your knees.

Have you feel the world move around you. Have you thinking that it’s you and I against the world.

If plagiarism didn’t exist, I’d study his words to make them mine. I’d scribble onto sticky-notes my ideas, confessing my love for you.

I’d turn feelings into thoughts, emotions into ideas and mentals into heartbeats.

…but now plagiarism exists and using people’s sweat is a recorded crime so I’ll just look at you and hope that my eyes say it all when my smile fails to convince you.

Um’shelo so tough.

Love so sweet…


I’m sitting here thinking to myself. If all these posts were a book I’d have to write and finish a new one before the year ends.

I mean all the posts my hand have written were the past and the present says all that was hurt, fear and sadness.

…and now all that seems so far away from my reach. It feels as if my heart will never taste the bitterness of all that negativity and maybe, just maybe I was too quick to write off happiness in my life.

As I sit right here. I remember all the tears I shed, the fear I experienced and the pain I’ve felt.

All I can do now is smile and thank God for the new experience,  the new life where I’m proud enough to stand up and say “YES, I’VE TASTED THE SWEETNESS OF BEING IN LOVE AND I NOW KNOW THAT LOVE IS TAILORED FOR ME.”

I’m in love.