Category Archives: Random thoughts.

She blessed a BLESSER with her innocence…

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​At age 25 she lost the most private part of herself. A part of her she held on to for the past 25 years.

When an elderly asshole covered in a fashionable zest of sugar-daddy tendencies made breathing in her direction his new pet-project, she allowed her guard to drop!
When he promised her a world he only read about in The Business Times, she was sold.

What I don’t understand is how this no good bastard of a father, got her to give herself up for his rusty bronze-plated “truth”.
I don’t understand how a girl as smart as she is would feel the need to be blessed with lies, impossible forevers and unobtainable worlds.
Earning this man the ever-so-preached BLESSER status.

She was always too good for these boys. They couldn’t even lay a finger on her, but tonight a beast has been clawing her thighs.
Spreading them apart as if it would be a crime for them to ever touch each other.

He wanted to show her “HEAVEN”, a place he swears was built for her.
With white linen and sheets that resembles the clouds, towels and pillows for angels.
…and long heavily carpeted discreet passages that resembles passageways that lead you to apparent paradises of fantasised forevers.
It was a hotel, a “Five Star Hotel” one of the best to him, but one of the rest to me. They’re all the same to me, dungeons of sin and secrets big enough to break families apart.

She was never ready for the decisions she made when money and her heart’s weakness had blinded her importance and urgency to protect herself from the vultures of our world.
In the midst of his promises, she lost herself.

To his cruelty and greed, she lost her ever-so-praised self respect. The night she allowed him to stick his filthy oversized-ego inside of her innocence, she lost herself.
She lost her VIRGINITY, and her dignity was burnt beyond recognition.

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Cheating bastards and their insecurities!

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​I said I believe that we all cheat and that our insecurities come from the way we cheat and all the cheating bastards wanted to bite my head off about it.

…and now I want to say I lied.

I don’t believe we all cheat, in actual fact I know that bastards cheat and that all their insecurities come from the way they cheat.
For instance if he was to cheat on social networks, he’ll always have an issue with you being on social networks all the time without saying a word to him, because he expects you to do what he does 
…and now we have to raise the “burning” question and ask him what he does all the time on social networks without saying a word to you, who is he chatting to?!

I mean if you have an issue with my phone always being in my bag every time I’m with you, chances are… you normally keep yours out of reach just in case your skeletons decide to creep out and scare the shit out of our relationship.
I still say, insecurities come from the way people cheat. Every single issue your partner has about something that doesn’t mean any harm to the relationship it is because that’s they way the person is cheating on you.
If he hates the fact that you answer your phone outside, he has people who keep calling him that he doesn’t want you to know about.
If he accuses you of staying up on social networks in the early hours of the morning without saying anything to him, he has other people he’s entertaining hence the fact that he accuses you of doing it. How does he see that you’re up if he’s not?

If he hates the idea of you going out with your friends, it means that every time he goes out with his, he always gets someone to replace you for the night. 

If he doesn’t like the idea of you having male friends, he has side chicks posing as female friends.  

If he hates how you smile at other guys, his smile to other chicks is more than just a smile.

If he questions your exhaustion every time he wants to get laid, he’s probably having sex with other women.

Men will have a problem with a pattern you have set for “screen lock”, while his phone has a million security codes like it’s some important high-security private lab. 
He’ll have a problem with being saved as “Prince Charming”, while he has simply saved you by your name and surname.

He’ll have a problem with you not answering your phone, while you call him about a thousand times with no prevail.

…and now you have to sit down with yourself and really ask yourself what his problem is with everything you do and you’ll finally notice that…

All these bastards cheat and that all their insecurities come from the way they cheat!

 

                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                      

Painfully pained

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I don’t want your sympathy, I mean it never really takes the pain away.

Don’t tell me that “everything will be ok”, because it never will be and I bet it won’t even get better.

Don’t give me your hanky, I know for a fact that it won’t help stop the tears from falling out of the bags of my eyes.

I would have gladly accepted your hug, but now I really find it useless. I don’t think it will make my heart feel any lighter or even fill the big hole that was left in it.

My soul has soaked in pain so much that my whole being is-literally of pain.

So don’t you dare tell me ukuthi “ngikhala nawe”, man I’ve lived with this pain almost all my life and trust me when I say I can feel it by myself, so I don’t need your help.
Don’t bother.

My sins have decided to play “catch-up” and catch up with me, my demons are eating at my soul, karma has decided to make like a fly and be my guest -an uninvited guest…
…and all the skeletons in my closest have decided to come out and play.

I’m in pain and this pain is internal, it is within the soul and in a way spiritual.

I doubt I’ll ever escape it.

An asthmatic relationship

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It was another “short-breathed” relationship,
Or should I say an asthmatic relationship?

A relationship that was never really tailored for much excitement and an excessive expression of emotional experiences really.

It was a boring relationship.

A relationship of perfectionism and planning.
“Routines and traditions” is what their activities were inspired by.

They became blinded by their mentals of may, might and maybe.
…and now their blindness had allowed them to fall victim to fear and allow their fear of something going wrong feast heavily on their hunger to explore  and somehow ‘live a little’.

The lifespan of their chronic relationship was unknown. It was somewhat critical, I mean it could get attacked at anytime and die out.

Its tomorrow wasn’t promised, so was its next time, so their dreams only existed in the moment…
…and their hope was fuelled by a short vision of a future they didn’t  even believe in.

Our relationship was naturally toxic and any form of spark would have been the death of us.

 

Another “final” note!

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I’ve always wanted to be the best daughter ever. Trying so hard to correct the mistakes of those who came before me.

…but now I’ve failed. I decided to put my happiness first and in the process I’m about to bring sadness to people who once decided to take a leap of Faith and put their trust in me.

In their eyes I’m a daughter, an angel but to the truth and myself. I’m a monster and I believe I was created for nothing else but to self destruct.

I’ve reached my peak and I’m about to self destruct.
I’m about to chop myself into a million pieces just to remind myself what real pain feels like.

I’m about to shut down the entire system of my existence and call it “Operation Deuses”.

I’m done.

This is a break-up…

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I want you to find your wings again and fly away to find love once again.

I want you to learn to love more out there and less in here.
…because very soon I’m gonna leave you for good and the love I have for you wishes it could hurt less.

I’d love for you to get over me before the hate I have for myself forces you to forget me.

I want you to walk away while I’m still smiling and strive to always remember me like that.

I have shortened my bucket list and the only deed on it, is to love you and only you until the end.

I’m really sorry for the pain I’m about to bring to you but like everything else in the world pain also fades away.

Soon, all this will be nothing but memories and I just hope that one day when the tunnel of pain I’ve brought to you comes to an end your light shall come in eternal happiness form.

Dead on the inside and bearly holding-on, on the outside.
I’m done.

This is a break-up because I’m about to break-down.

Love so sweet…

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I’m sitting here thinking to myself. If all these posts were a book I’d have to write and finish a new one before the year ends.

I mean all the posts my hand have written were the past and the present says all that was hurt, fear and sadness.

…and now all that seems so far away from my reach. It feels as if my heart will never taste the bitterness of all that negativity and maybe, just maybe I was too quick to write off happiness in my life.

As I sit right here. I remember all the tears I shed, the fear I experienced and the pain I’ve felt.

All I can do now is smile and thank God for the new experience,  the new life where I’m proud enough to stand up and say “YES, I’VE TASTED THE SWEETNESS OF BEING IN LOVE AND I NOW KNOW THAT LOVE IS TAILORED FOR ME.”

I’m in love.

He loves me, he loves me not…

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“He loves me
He loves me not
He loves me
He loves me not
He loves me
He loves me not…”

I mean what are the odds?
 See… all the scenarios I’ve made up in my head are not painful enough and he keeps eliminating and ruling them out like a game of chess.

To me it ain’t fair because I really need to be a lady about the whole situation, I want to cry about it for hours until my eyes are all bloated and I’m just unattractive to him.

Pure madness?  I know.

…but now his perfect-sweet self keeps on removing bricks from my sadness wall, one by one while I on the other side keeps stacking them back up one by one.

Reality says he loves me not but my mind keeps saying he loves me.

Lost love…

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Can I write to Khumbul’ekhaya? …and have them remind you to khumbula ekhaya.
Because they say: “Home is where the heart is. ”
…and you once said I should always know that wherever you are your heart will always be with me.

Can I write to Relate?
…and have them help us and educate us on how to relate, because to me this relationship has no relation.
It’s just mutual distance with no direction.

Allow my to write to Love Back.
I need them to help me trace your emotions.
My love,  it seems like you’re gone and you can’t seem to find your way back.
I need to get my love back.

Can’t we take it all back to what it once was?
Can’t we start afresh and promise each other the world and all it’s made of?
Can’t you just go back to being the heart-entrepreneur you once was and sell me all the dreams in the world?

I wish I could just write to All You Need Is Love, ngoba wena sthandwa sami wang’lahla and I just know that all you need is my love.

Come home and find your love, my love.

I think I’m in love…

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You know what they say about searching?!

You don’t always find what you’re looking for.

…but then a while ago I went looking for Mr Right and came back with a broken heart and decided to call my search off.

…and only when I stopped searching,  Mr Right came and became my “Prince charming” I his “damsel in distress”.
He came looking, he found me and chose to rescue me.

See… my turn of believing in fairytales is now here and mine Moozie has chosen to became my fairy with a tale and teach me how to love.

Lord. I’ve never loved like this and with no doubt I’ve chosen to make ‘dangerous’ my favourite activity and went busking with my vulture.

Within minutes I’ve given him all the keys to my kraal, gave him all the trust and named him the protector of my virgin heart.
Risky? I know!

With my paint brush in hand I’m ready to write our tale. In all our favourite colours I’m ready to paint it loud enough for people to hear that,  not only am I yours but forever I’m yours to keep.

See… in him I’ve found a GOLDMINE and golddigging is no longer my favourite activity because now treasure has found a home in my kraal.

…and all my heart’s desires have  become activities of keeping a smile on his face and my tongue’s desires are letters of his name.

Man, I’ve found myself a man and in him I got lessons of loving carefully and carelessly at the same damn time.

I’ve fallen deeply in love and if this is how LOVE feels like, I don’t ever want to find myself on my feet again.