Category Archives: Getting to know me.

I broke his heart

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I decided we play “catch” with our hearts and I suggested he went first.
So he threw his heart at me, as it made its way into the comfort of my catch I decided to duck and it hit the ground.
At first it wasn’t with intention but with the thoughts that struck I just had to.

It came to my attention that he’s an asshole, and when dealing with his kind one has to gel and blend.
I became one with him, I was an asshole, I ducked his heart and it hit the ground.
I broke his heart.

Call it falling in love, because I did

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​Call it a falling in love…

…because I traded my “thinking with my heart and loving with my mind” idea with a “thinking with my mind and loving with my heart” mentality.
 I let go of all my fears and embraced my wishes. I ditched keeping an eye out and became a “Sleeping Beauty”, I allowed my mind the privilege of resting.

I think I fell in love.

I think I’ve always wanted my life to be perfect and my fear of getting hurt turned me into a knight, always on my toes and too cautious to even let my guard down.
No guy could have ever attempted to try me out, I mean no guy wants to feel like an enemy in their own relationship.

So it wasn’t until I decided to swap my protective armour and steel boots for a dress and a pair of heels that I finally found my Mr Right. 
My Prince Charming. 

Not only did he rescue a damsel in distress but he also swept me right under my feet and had love knocking me down.
I mean no one can ever raise me to the same height as he has, no one could have me close me eyes and have me feel the world move around me.
…or hold my hand and have waterfalls flow right through my spine. No one could smile at me and have me naming stars theirs. 

He came into my life and had me believing that the moon was made from cheese, that with every “I love you” we say to each other the universe gives birth to a new star.

I know I fell in love.

With an incredible human being, a work of art. I think the word perfect never existed until he was born. With a smile that melts my heart and sends the juices to the moon and back, eyes that send chills down the spine of my soul making my spirits’ knees weak and a personality that sends electrical sparks that confuse the loving sh*t out of my brains?
I fell in love with amazing person.

God’s master piece.

Call it falling in love because I tripped, fell hard and became the happiest person alive.

 

Goddess the creator

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If only the universe had granted me powers of creation and named me Goddess the creator, I’d build the man of my fantasies.

In the image of “isthandwa sami” I’d create him.

With toffe-nut ice cream lips I’d create him.

I’d give him a lavender infested smile to fill the room with a motherly aroma every time he lays his eyes on me.

His eyes would be of pearls to make me fall deeper in love every time I stare into them.

His voice would be as relaxing as classical sounds. Matured mentals of your Beethovens and Mozarts.
Musical prowess!

If I had godly powers I’d create that man.

With skin made of chocolate-coloured cotton candy, good enough for me die for.

His heart would be of Gold and I a greedy miner.
Digging day and night.

His touch would be of warm subtle water falls at the edge of diamante mountains.
Priceless if you ask me.

I’d create him to fill the sky with stars every time he walks and his body would be a portrait to thirst over.

If only I was a goddess of creation, I’d create this man with godly features, in the image of “isthanwa sami” and devote myself to loving him as I love thyself.

The “final” note!

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It wasn’t the end but only the beginning.

Her fears wrote a letter to her happiness in “final note” form and it went like:

“I want to go bungee jumping without ropes just to see how long it will take for me to reach the ground…

…or maybe cut myself real deep, just to see the amount of blood I have in me.

Might even stab my heart, I really want to see how deep the knife can go.

I want to go skydiving with no skydiving gear, I want to see how many seconds it takes for one to finally kiss the ground.

I’d overdose and start counting sheep but I’m afraid I might count to infinity and back.

Don’t tell me about pain because I believe there is no greater pain in the world than the pain I’m feeling now.

I need to escape, I need to be freed off this excruciating pain I’m feeling. I need to break free and finally taste eternal rest.

Death and fear don’t scare me no more. I’ve been afraid for too damn long and my courage says I should jump off the highest building just to really feel for the very last time.

…and I promise I’ll be smiling when I slowly burn out, I’ll make sure only my beauty is remembered.

I’m ready.”

…but now her world hadn’t been informed of such an implication. When the content had slipped off the fingers of her social networks,  they thought it was a suicidal note.

A final letter of demand from the troubled soul lurking within the ever-glowing contours of her imperfected silhouette.

Her world was wounded and scared by fears of the unknown whereabouts of her truths.

All that wasn’t really  necessary because what the world didn’t know is that it was only the end of her fears and troubles, and the beginning of success and eternal happiness.

Painfully pained

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I don’t want your sympathy, I mean it never really takes the pain away.

Don’t tell me that “everything will be ok”, because it never will be and I bet it won’t even get better.

Don’t give me your hanky, I know for a fact that it won’t help stop the tears from falling out of the bags of my eyes.

I would have gladly accepted your hug, but now I really find it useless. I don’t think it will make my heart feel any lighter or even fill the big hole that was left in it.

My soul has soaked in pain so much that my whole being is-literally of pain.

So don’t you dare tell me ukuthi “ngikhala nawe”, man I’ve lived with this pain almost all my life and trust me when I say I can feel it by myself, so I don’t need your help.
Don’t bother.

My sins have decided to play “catch-up” and catch up with me, my demons are eating at my soul, karma has decided to make like a fly and be my guest -an uninvited guest…
…and all the skeletons in my closest have decided to come out and play.

I’m in pain and this pain is internal, it is within the soul and in a way spiritual.

I doubt I’ll ever escape it.

Find your hidden heart!

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Don’t you dare tell me that you love me now, because I kind of feel like it doesn’t really matter now.

See…when I longed for your love it was nowhere to be found.

You chose to play a game of “hide and seek”. You hid your heart and made my poor soul seek it.

I’m tired of seeking your “faded out” love and I swear once I turn my back on the idea of ever finding it, the only way forward is teaching myself how to forget about ever being in love with you and learning how to fall in love with a deserving heart.

I’m sick and tired of the long scruffy journey I’ve walked in search of your hidden heart.

I’ve nursed myself way too much and I’m about to become iskhorokhoro.
With all the bruises I got from thorns of your cold heart,
Scars I got from dried out branches of your heartlessness,
Scratches I got from your “bob-draaded” selfishness,
…and wounds I got from stepping on pieces of your shattered-broken mirrored hate.

I’m done, ngiyas’thula les’gqoko. I will not allow you to do as you please with my feelings.

Game’s up, you better find your heart because my soul’s seeking days are over.

Another “final” note!

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I’ve always wanted to be the best daughter ever. Trying so hard to correct the mistakes of those who came before me.

…but now I’ve failed. I decided to put my happiness first and in the process I’m about to bring sadness to people who once decided to take a leap of Faith and put their trust in me.

In their eyes I’m a daughter, an angel but to the truth and myself. I’m a monster and I believe I was created for nothing else but to self destruct.

I’ve reached my peak and I’m about to self destruct.
I’m about to chop myself into a million pieces just to remind myself what real pain feels like.

I’m about to shut down the entire system of my existence and call it “Operation Deuses”.

I’m done.

Pay attention, she’s dying.

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They only wanted to save me but I never needed to be saved.
The only “saving” I wanted was freedom to drown with my demons until the end and kiss them goodbye.

…but they could’ve never understood. They wouldn’t understand that I had made peace with my sins and was now ready to let them eat me up.

Allow fear to dine on my soul while hurt and regret feast on my hunger to carry on.

It’s funny how the world always expects you to be swinging while you’re actually hanging.
How society expects you to be swimming when you’re actually drowning.

How they always say it was just a sudden cough, instead of a struggled choke.

Hey listen! I’m not laughing, I’m crying and soon I will be dying and not playing.

Mxm, man you’re insecure.

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My anger thoughts on repeat. In my head, bitter thoughts are like a song with no instruments. Its words are so sharp and they just keep banging in my head.

I had never dreamt of hurting you, I mean I can never bring myself to the point of doing you wrong.

…but that doesn’t really matter to you. I mean in your eyes I’m a thief, a happiness-thief.
I make people build their worlds around me just to knock them down.

Have them believe in the good to blinden them from seeing my badness.

You thought I never saw it coming? Well, I did.

I saw it all… when all that I said didn’t really matter that much to you.
When all my efforts were in vain and all you thought about was not falling victim to my ways of cruelty?!
I saw it all.

See… the day you choose to open your eyes and see all the beauty my actions possessed,  I’d be long gone.

…because now you foolish ways of playing FBI with my happiness and peace are eating at my patience and persistence.

On day will be our day and when our day comes, I’ll throw the towel, take a  bucket and rope, find a tree and put an end to our happiness.

Lay it to rest, because we have both taken advantage of it.

Look…

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Look…
If only plagiarism didn’t exist, I’d take all his words and make them mine.
Rewrite everything his hand has ever scribbled upon my soul.

I’d take music and turn it into a modern love letter. Embedding my feelings in your mind and engraving my love on your heart.

If only plagiarism didn’t exist, I’d borrow myself his thoughts, bedazzl them with my ideas and bring you to your knees.

Have you feel the world move around you. Have you thinking that it’s you and I against the world.

If plagiarism didn’t exist, I’d study his words to make them mine. I’d scribble onto sticky-notes my ideas, confessing my love for you.

I’d turn feelings into thoughts, emotions into ideas and mentals into heartbeats.

…but now plagiarism exists and using people’s sweat is a recorded crime so I’ll just look at you and hope that my eyes say it all when my smile fails to convince you.

Um’shelo so tough.