Monthly Archives: October 2015

The silence was loud…

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…and I repeat, the silence was loud!!!

Anger was raging within me and pain was just weighing my heart down making it feel so empty, yet there I was in his arms.

In the arms of a man who once pledged to always be at my rescue and protect me from all the scars of the world, yet he’s the one who’s wounding me.

The wound is so deep it might never taste the sweetness of healing again.

My eyes were so wet and I was trying so hard to fight back the tears on some: “BlaQed come on, pull yourself together. You know you’re stronger than that, remember that BIG DON’T GIRLS CRY.”

“Big girls don’t cry” really?! Are we that naive?
Big girls are also human, they have feelings man.
They hurt.

…but then at that moment I felt the need to swallow a rock and waterproof my eyes. I couldn’t allow him to see that he has touched my heart, I couldn’t give him the satisfaction of getting close to breaking BlaQed.

I mean BlaQed is unbreakable, she hardly hurts, she’s strong, she’s an activist who stands for the protection of hearts-women hearts-.

So…with all that in my heart and an influx of painful events in my mind I was playing a game of picking Pokemon, choosing whether to be only human and cry or just become a mutant superhero and choose wayfer form and not cry.

The room was filled with blindness, distrust, hurt, lies, pain, unfaithfulness and untruthfulness.

I was quiet because I knew what he didn’t know I knew,  he was quiet because he was trying to understand the root of my silence.

In my mind I wanted to rewrite “Lamb to the slaughter” and just slaughter his selfish ass but in my heart I just wanted to forget it all and learn to love him again without fear nor regrets.

We were having private conversations with ourselves and the silence in that room was just too damn loud.

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“I love my cup of coffee the way I love man…”

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“I love my cup of coffee the way I love man…”
This right here is a statement I’ve heard more than enough and I’ve always thought it was a bit of cliché.

You know how ladies always run out of conversation spines when they meet up for a cup of tea or maybe when they have what they love to call a “girls’ night out”?

They end up talking about “God-knows-what” and one of them will always find a way of worming in an unnecessary conversation by starting up with a very ridiculous statement.

…and to me “I love my cup of coffee the way I love my man…” has always been one of those and funny enough it is one of those no-brainers, because I mean women always find a way to say the first thing that comes to mind when these “let’s get to know each other better” moments come.

See… in most cases the answers/ideas are always diametrically opposed to what these ladies really are.
In simple text, women never really know what they’re into.

…but then again I fell in love and everything took a turn into the unknown and all my disbelieves turned into a series of believes.

I grew to understand how a man can actually be compared to a cup of coffee, I grew to understand how two different things could be so similar.
I myself learnt how to compare my man to a cup of coffee and have my friends understand my insane taste in men.

So…here goes: “I love my cup of coffee the way I love my man, hot, not too sweet but very strong with a few drops of milk to make it chocolaty and just know that I’m a coffee addict.”

My favourite…

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“My favourite shade of male is you and I swear that shall never change.”
I said and he just shook his head and smole.

I bet in his head I was starting with my craziness, but in mine ideas of another piece were already flooding and I knew what I was going to blog about next.

So I wheeled him in and explained.
“I mean, think about it.”
Was what I had to say to him next.

If men were a certain colour on the colour wheel and their bastardness a certain shade then babe you’d be my favourite shade.

If men were a certain car and their asshole qualities were features that set differences to models, then you’d definitely be my favourite model.

If men were cell phones and their foolishness the different models, then you’d be my favourite smartphone.

I mean if you guys were ice-cream and your manliness were the flavours, you’d definitely be “toffee-nut” my favourite. Hard to get but worth the search and the find is simply the greatest reward.

“Look, what I’m trying to say is that it doesn’t matter in what kind of form you come but you’ll always be my favourite.”
….was the closing statement and he was defeated and already in tears.

…and this is how I made him cry with my craziness.

I’ve lost your love

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Help me find your love I think I’ve lost it. Your undefined feelings towards me are starting to confuse my defined feelings towards you.

Our conversations are now cold and all the “I love yous” at the end don’t feel the same no more.

Our paragraphs have now become short-breathed sentences.

Help me find your love, I think it went swimming with sharks, the ocean is just too big and it may never find its way out.

All our plans have failed, dreams shattered and our hopes have turned into nothing.

Help me find your love, I think it’s trapped in a fear-cage. Guarded by doubt and protect by painful memories of a broken heart that doesn’t believe in getting mended.

Please help me find your love. I don’t think I can survive without it. I think uthando lwakho ludukile, you really need to find it because I need to be loved again.

Ngiyak’thanda, please find your love and love me again.
I need it.

Conversations with myself.

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Having conversations with myself because only I can understand the pain I’m feeling inside.

Having conversations with myself because only I can relate to what’s going on in the inside.

I feel no need to go and seek one who’ll sit down and try to understand my situation because mine is for those who’ll choose to stand by my side and overstand it from the outside.
I’m not crazy I’m just different.

Izithakazelo zakwa Thabede

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Izithakazelo zakwa Thabede

Thabede
Jiyane
Ndidane
Mqadompofu
Songo
Vezi
Mlotshwa
Gambu
Mwelase
Xwayela
Nomaswiliswili, Luphaphelwempangela,
Guqabathokoze abafokazana,
Mbizanazotshwala, Nina enehla ngesilulu
ezintabeni zobombo abanye
behla ngezinyawo,
Machabadankosi ngoba wachabada
u-Ngwane ka-Mbilini
Magodanqutha, mlenge.
Uzodelibandla kungelakhe lakwa-Gcingiza.
Maswati amhlophe, unwele olude.